When You Need a Layup
You may have noticed the past six or 50 weeks have been monumentally epic blog posts. Pretty much like Steph raining threes from seven feet behind the arc.
While exciting, sometimes you just need a layup. No half-court buzzer-beaters or overtime thrillers. Just an easy 2 and hustle back on defense.
This week we’re gonna take it easy on ya. No mega-blockbuster smash hit, no earth-shattering product drop. Just a light, easy read for a Saturday afternoon.
Here we’ve compiled sound bytes and one-liners from some of our favorite blog posts over the last 130 weeks.
You’ll get a few laughs, a few heavy hitters, and a whole lotta hot cheddar. So next time you’re not sure what to say, pull one of these zingers out of your back pocket.
Keep These Zingers Handy
My shoulders are throwing a party. They’re just waiting for my hair to arrive.
Finding ourselves with this regrettably named yet exquisitely masculine long hairstyle, we submit to you a more aptly conceived moniker: the “highball,” in reference to both the physical description of a “high ball,” as well as the classic beverage traditionally consisting of whisky, scotch, or other high proof alcoholic spirit.
The next time someone says you look like a girl, politely inform them that Alaric, Crazy Horse and Musashi were all part of the same longhair fraternity, and in ancient days they might have gotten scalped or samurai slashed for saying shit like that.
Dude, nice head of lettuce.
Having long hair means I don’t have to depend on someone else to make a living. I’m in charge here.
The notion of a pair of scissors encroaching the space around your locks can be concerning.
He hasn’t found a good reason to cut it yet…most likely because there is no good reason.
It will get in your food, bed, car, sheets, beer, toothpaste, shaving cream, sun glasses, underwear, sink, computer and strangest of all places most likely your butt crack.
It makes people guess, keep ‘em wondering, “is this guy some kind of loose cannon?”
If you have never grown your hair out before, I challenge you to take the journey. If you have the intestinal fortitude to make it, you will not be disappointed.
And while there are plenty of other ways to be different, none are quite so obvious or instantaneous as your appearance including a streaming mane cascading down your shoulders.
The idea of someone telling me I have to cut my hair to work for them, choosing between a job or these golden tresses, is ridiculous.
Another reason I choose long hair is it’s all natural. It’s a sign of health, vigor and vitality. It’s a natural biological function, we only get short hair by augmenting that.
Not to mention I can rip off a hailstorm of hair whips at any given moment, twist up a sick braid or choke someone out with it if needed. Hopefully it won’t come to that.
It’s a hair tie, for guys, and it’s badass, and will keep your hair back when you’re shredding….and it’s got lightning bolts on it.
I’m almost 62 and my mom is 85 and she still asks me when I’m going to cut my hair.
Rummaging desperately through your girlfriend’s drawers, you find a single, sickening option available to you: a hot pink scrunchie.
The Longhairs staunchly support the notion that you should wear your hair however the hell you want to wear your hair, whether that’s long and luscious, conventionally shorter in length, or even the unfortunate combination of both in the bafflingly popularized, ‘top knot.’
Whether it’s actually eating, or cooking, preparing, serving, or otherwise dealing with food, somehow your hair inevitably ends up in the secret sauce.
The system is a set of written and unwritten rules that say you should live by conventional standards and expectations: look the way you’re expected to look, act the way you’re expected to act, do the things you’re expected to do.
Dude, do you mind if we ride with the windows up?
You effectively conceal it with hats and beanies, but sooner or later you’ll be exposed. You have full-blown awkward stage hair, and you’re a shaggy, dogged-looking scoundrel.
Even his dear mother, his #1 supporter in life, ever-so-gently suggested, “maybe you should just cut it, honey.”
People know they can take you a little more seriously on the dance floor. Plus you have hair whips in your arsenal which immediately brings another level of intensity.
He concealed the girly hair ties in his shopping basket with men’s shaving products, a home-gym set of perfect push-ups, and a can of motor oil.
He’s even been cat-called by groups of obnoxious men loitering on the street corner, who, reeling, quickly pretended they were joking amongst themselves upon realizing they were whistling at a man.
We don’t just respect the mullet and combover, but all hair styles and configurations, even the oddly conspicuous undercut.
It’s about choosing unconventional, in a conventional world.
Long hair also means I like to have a good time, and these streaming locks should make it clear that having a good time is important.
For every bully who makes fun of you, or says you look like a girl, or gives you grief about your hair, just know there is a community of tens of thousands of men and boys with long hair right here.
Deep down, it forces people to recognize it’s not a person’s outward appearance, but the quality of their character and depth of purpose.
If you like these, dive deeper into some previously published content, where many of these have come from. And keep lettin it ride.
Got any more one-liners? Drop your favorite below.