The Fine 15: Top Longhairs of the NFL

In Celebrate by El RubioLeave a Comment

Happy NFL Kickoff Week

It’s finally here.

NFL kickoff. When everyone’s team has a shot at the Super Bowl; when hopes and spirits are high; when productive Sundays are abandoned for seven consecutive hours of commercial-free, non-stop, whip-around coverage on the RedZone channel, interrupted only for intermittent sprints to the bathroom and 90 seconds to heat up a pair of Hot Pockets, capped off with a dramatic compilation of every single touchdown of the day, wrapping up just in time for a 30-minute break before Sunday Night Football kickoff between two teams you don’t care about, but you’re going to spend an additional three hours watching anyway.

It’s a glorious time of year, almost as glorious as the flowing manes featured prominently here in the Fine 15.

It should be said now: neither Troy Polamalu nor Clay Matthews are #1 on this list. Quickly realizing there have been hundreds of longhairs in the NFL, we had to keep this list to active players, thus Troy, arguably the longhair godfather of the NFL, is conspicuously missing.

As for Clay…well, you’ll just have to see for yourself.

Whether you spend an unjustifiable amount of time watching football, or you can’t stand the NFL, we can all appreciate these fine locks on display on the gridiron each Sunday.

Honorable Mention Jason Verrett (Chargers)

While he didn’t quite crack the Fine 15, we had to give the Chargers 2nd year defensive back a nod for his consistently exquisite locks and variety of presentation. Keep working and you’ll be a top 10 someday kid.

#15 Sammy Watkins (Bills)

The Bills’ standout wide receiver turned heads his rookie season with his breakaway speed, big-play ability and long braids cascading down his shoulder pads. We can only assume the braids elevated his draft status to a top-five selection.

#14 Isaiah Crowell (Browns)

Not a lot of running backs on this list, you can imagine why if getting dragged down by your hair from a full sprint doesn’t sound appealing. Nonetheless another 2nd year standout has refused to part ways with his locks, earning him a #14 ranking in the Fine 15.

#13 Cole Beasley (Cowboys)

There’s something about a man sprinting with golden hair streaming behind him. The 4th year Cowboy receiver’s hair is the color of hay, and he can take a hit.

#12 Richard Sherman (Seahawks)

If you were still searching for a reason to like Richard Sherman, look no further. Lot of shit talking, solid defensive play…great hair.

#11 The left side of the Packers offensive line David Bakhtiari and Josh Sitton

Coming in at a combined 12 feet, seven inches and 628 lbs., these offensive linemen and their formidable flowing manes provide a virtual blanket of protection for Aaron Rodgers.

#10 Brooks Reed (Falcons)

Oft-compared to another certain longhaired linebacker, the now-Falcons defender has been rocking long hair since his college days, cracking the top 10 for his longevity in the hair game as far back as Google images goes.

#9 Tim Jennings (Buccaneers)

The 10th-year pro and longtime Bear turned Buc has been lighting up receivers and women’s hair care aisles since breaking into the league back in ‘06.

#8 Rashean Mathis (Lions)

If you’re not as familiar with this name it’s because for the last 13 years this veteran wideout has had his name plate eclipsed with a waterfall of braids streaming down his back.

#7 Rey Maualuga (Bengals)

This shit is getting serious. For whatever reason USC seems to breed longhaired defensive players, and this Bengal is among the most recognizable longhairs in the NFL. You’re an animal Rey.

#6 Nick Mangold (Jets)

This guy’s stat line just says “C.” 10 years in the trenches getting his hair pulled and ripped out hasn’t caused the New York Jets O-line captain to blink an eye, just step on people when they talk shit about his hair.

#5 Roddy White (Falcons)

Reeling in bombs for 10 years, the Falcon wideout’s hair game has been on point since being selected in the first round of the ‘05 draft, going into his 11th season he’s still twisted up.

#4 Larry Fitzgerald (Cardinals)

Longtime Cardinal veteran and one of the great wide receivers, Larry is famous for his 89 TD’s and disciplined hair care regimen, augmented with a complete salon at his home, including black leather pump chair and a ‘cone-of-silence’ hair dryer. A true professional.

#3 Domata Peko (Bengals)

Holy shit. This defensive tackle makes a full-grown lion look like he’s in the awkward stage. Few NFL players past or present have managed to showcase the sheer volume of manly hair this vets put on the field each and every Sunday.

#2 Clay Matthews (Packers)

The retirement of NFL longhair great Troy Polamalu has made way for Clay as the most recognizable active longhair player in the NFL. And it’s no surprise, as women across the nation only dream of having locks as luscious as these, not to mention that highball game.

#1 And finally, the #1 longhair in the NFL…Rob Ryan (Saints)

Players have been rocking the locks for decades, but longhair coaches in the NFL are hard to come by. In fact there’s speculation ‘ole Robbie may have even been passed over for a head coaching position, despite his performance as a defensive coordinator, due to his lengthy flow. As you can imagine, we’re not down for that.

For his leadership, gallantry, and not giving a f***, Rob Ryan, Certified Longhair, comes in at the #1 position in the Fine 15 Top Longhairs in the NFL.

New Orleans Saints  vs  Dallas Cowboys

Leave a Comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.