The Definitive Longhair Problems for Men

In Advocate by El Rubio90 Comments

Unique Problems For Men With Long Hair – An Illustrated Edition

There have been some pretty wack posts about “longhair problems,” especially those purporting to be for men, yet written by women. We knew we could do better.

Some you’ll see for the first time, others you’ll be intimately familiar with. We’re proud to present to you, the definitive guide to #longhairproblemsformen

 

Worse Than Your Last Pair Of Underwear

You’ve got a sales meeting in 30 minutes and your navigation calls for a 27-minute drive. This is a “hair tied up” occasion, but out of the 50-pack of boring regular black hair ties you bought last week, there are approximately ZERO left. Rummaging desperately through your girlfriend’s drawers, you find a single, sickening option available to you: a hot pink scrunchie.

 

 

Shady Hair Removal

Who doesn’t love a steaming hot cup of joe in the morning to getcha goin? You would have enjoyed it more, except that you just ripped several important hairs out of your scalp attempting to remove your sunglasses.

 
 

Finding Your Inner Peace

Congratulations. You just breathed, stretched, accepted, felt, humbled, expressed gratitude and showed appreciation to your body, mind and spirit. You feel amazing…you’ve earned, Svasana, the pose of rest. Except you can’t rest for shit because your hair is tied in a lowball and you can’t put your head down squarely on the yoga mat, even though all the chicks in class seem to be managing just fine.

 
 

Taking Face Shots

Things have been going great since the zipper incident. You’ve caught eight waves and you’re paddling back out, but after the last duck dive you came up with a heavy soaking wet mop blanketing your face, just in time to obscure from vision the sleeper wave that slammed, knocked you off your board and nearly lost the GoPro.

 
 

Working Your Meat Pistons

The slightest glance at mach speed can be catastrophic, looking back to find yourself riding into oncoming traffic with hair pasted to your face.

 
 

The Oil Change

We’re men, we change our own oil. Or at least find ourselves under a vehicle occasionally, which is great until you realize your hair is floating in a stagnant pool of contaminated motor oil.

 
 

Mixing Up That Secret Sauce

Whether it’s actually eating, or cooking, preparing, serving, or otherwise dealing with food, somehow your hair inevitably ends up in the secret sauce.

 
 

What It Actually Feels Like To Get Catcalled

You finally got a date with that chick from the women’s hair care aisle. You’re laughing it up and chattin like old friends, and things couldn’t be better until the son of bitch punk waiter comes up from behind and flirtatiously opens a dialogue with:

“Helllloo ladies…oh…”

 
 

Windows Up

You’ve got tickets to the big game, but you have to ride with a guy you kind of just met. It’s cool, until you’re forced to ask him, over the pre-game radio show, “dude, do you mind if we ride with the windows up?”

 
 

Financing A Political Attack on Your Fantasy Football Commissioner

Your fantasy league is DOMINATING. But your commissioner is proposing unconscionable rule changes, forcing you to fund a political attack campaign. The results were startling, but in a roundabout way this caused you to unwittingly dunk your hair into a perfectly crisp and refreshing beer.

Don’t worry, it’ll still getcha drunk.

 
 

There ya have it boys. Longhair problems for men.

Certainly there are more. Tell us about them.

And hashtag your #longhairproblemsformen

Comments

  1. …waking up in the middle of the night because it feels like a roach is walking across your face only to realize it is hair that you forgot to tie back before going to sleep.

  2. Getting it caught up in the rollers of your creeper while working under your vehicle. Having people think you’re a girl when wearing a helmet while dirt biking or snowmobiling. Having your cat think it’s a cat toy attached to your head.

  3. I once was washing my hands in a public restroom when an old man walked in with a startle, he turned around and left only to find himself returning a few seconds later… turns out he thought he had walked into the womens restroom. #longhairtrolling

    1. Author

      At least he didn’t try to start chatting you up! Haha thanks for sharing man.

    2. HA! Legendary! I was once at a urinal which had a mirror above it and saw a bloke come in and do the best double-take I’ve ever seen. When he told me he thought he’d gone into the ladies, I gave him my standard reply: “Mate, if you think I look like a woman, you seriously need to get your eyes checked.” The hair might be long but the bodyshape is very, very wrong. Plus, urinal…

      11 years since short, almost down to the small of my back now, but I suspect I’ve hit terminal length :'(

      1. Author

        Haha! Dude, a few weeks ago I was in the men’s locker room blowdrying and brushing my hair. I saw a guy take one jab step into the room then immediately turn and bolt. A minute later he walked back in; I suspected what he thought, but I had to ask him. Sure enough, he thought he had walked into the women’s.

        Just gotta deal w/ it boys!

        Interested in your thoughts on terminal length, Damo. A few times I thought I was there, but sure enough it keeps growing.

  4. Good meeting you at Fresno Greek Fest. Thanks for letting me know about your site.

        1. Author

          You know it man. Fortunately we don’t have to wait a year to drink beer.

  5. Hey El Rubio! So even if you’re growing out your hair it’s a good idea to get a trim every 4 to 6 months like James said in the YouTube video about cutting hair?? Did you do that when you let your hair grow out? Or did you just let it grow without getting a trim? I’m freaking out about split ends, but i don’t even know if I have them. I want to let my hair grow out without any problems. I just want to do what’s best for my hair.

    And as for the baby hairs that you don’t like, the ones on the side, you could possibly try out O’Douds pomade. They’re all natural products. I highly recommend their products.

    I hope to hear from you soon!

    1. Author

      Yo Byron! I didn’t get mine trimmed until about 1.5 years in, and you probably don’t need to worry about the maintenance trims until you’ve hit the shoulders. Until then you’re trying to reach a certain length, plus your hair isn’t that “old” yet, so you don’t need the maintenance as much. Since that 1.5 year mark I’ve gotten it trimmed four times over the past two years, so roughly every six months. Even then, I’ve only gotten a 1/2″ or so taken off each time.

      Dude I will also check out O’Douds, I’m serious man those baby hairs are a pain in the ass.

      Thanks for following Byron, lots more action coming.

    1. Yup, that’s a good one. Does it typically go into your mouth or directly onto the brush?

    2. Toothpaste and shaving cream while shaving. I just rinse it now and then put on argan oil to the tips (which are generally the bits that get in the way).

  6. or when you sit down in a public area and realize a single strand has somehow managed to get into your boxers during the wash cycle and has now firmly wrapped itself around your man bits….that’s the one that I absolutely hate.

    1. HAHAHA!! I have honestly had that happen several times. I find it more common from the shower. Loose hair slides down the body and gets wrapped up down there. It’s not tell six hours later you realize you’ve got a strand firmly wrapped around your junk.

      1. Yeah! that’s a total pain in the *** when that happens. I have trained myself over the years to check my underware (and the rest of my person) before i put it on just to make sure i dont have any wayward strands waiting to strangle anything delicate. Ditto shower.

  7. Getting my hair rolled up in the seatbelt getting out of a vehicle has always been my favorite!

  8. getting my hair in the sink as i try to rinse my mouth with water! generally after brushing my teeth. even worse than a tie. my hair are tied like 95% of the time to avoid all those anyway.

  9. Not being able to stay shirtless because your hair tickles the living hell out of you!
    Also when it gets under the T-shirt is a personal favorite

  10. Thanks for the awesome post (and all the other cool posts) guys!

    I’d just like to add two more: zipping your hair in when you want to get your jacket/sweatshirt zipped all the way up to your neck and ripping your hair when it gets squeezed to the ground while doing a backward/forward toll in gymnastics or martial arts training.

    Keep up the good work!

      1. Thanks El Moreno! Our global fight against the arch-villain zipper continues!

    1. Zippers – ahhhhh! lol
      I won’t mention a certain stubborn pair of skinnies that would not zip up – leaning over – yanking –
      zipper suddenly decides to work before i swing back the mop -ahhhhhhhhhhh.Caught in my pants – literally. (Hmmm did I mention it afterall – lol) Very embarrassing – but at least I was alone.

  11. I am glad to know that I’m not the only one experiencing those. As for another problem: Lighting your hair on fire while working on a grill or lighting a cigarette etc. Its a nightmare situation… The panic, the heartattack… Did that once and thankfully, just burned the ends a bit. I do not recommend.

    I got used to keeping my hair tied due to all these though. Its comfortable indeed but messes the hair up unfortunately. I should leave it to the wind more often, especially now, knowing that these are common problems to be endured.

    1. Author

      Yo Ark. We know that one too, check it out in Quick Tips. Long hair and fire don’t mix!

  12. Putting on a backpack and realizing your head is immobile due to the straps sitting snugly over your locks. 6 months my hair has been long enough for this to happen and I’ve yet to learn.

    1. Author

      Yeah….record-breaking wind here in SD today, REALLY f’ing my hair up.

  13. That time you’re caught at a restaurant without any hair ties and you have to repeatedly pull your out of your mouth, and it slides out like wet floss because of that wonderful mixture of saliva, spices and sauce. That amazing face you make as you try to gracefully remove the hair from being wrapped around your tonsils, but your hands are covered in sauce. Priceless. OR what about the times you try to get up from laying down to be stopped abruptly and have your head snapped back because you’ve posted your elbow on your hair.

    1. Dude!! Hilarious!! For sure feel ya on the food one, happens all the time. Slight gag as you pull it from your throat.

  14. When you’re a transgender man and people use your luscious* man-mane as evidence that you’re not a ‘real man’. Good thing I can’t be bothered to give a f*** anymore.

    *It will be luscious one day. it’s currently at that weird in-between length. Long enough that I can sort of put it into a ponytail.

    1. Danny, congrats on forging through the in-between length stage! I have made it past that point just months ago for the first time in 20 years of attempts. Totally worth it. And btw, glad to hear other people’s faulty “evidence” on who you otherwise know you are doesn’t keep you from growing out your hair!

      1. I have to wear a tie occasionally for event at work. I tied my hair in the tie.

  15. Note to other Longhaired men. Your long voluminous locks may arouse alarm in the TSA check points in the airport. As I found out flying to and from DC. I still haven’t figured out if they wanted me to lift it just to check for contraband or to just see it whipped. I would like to think it was the former.

    1. Author

      No doubt it was to witness the whip!

      You heard ’em boys, watch those TSA checks.

  16. First, I’m kinda at that in between awkward and long hair stage. It’ll hang fairly nicely, but it’s mere inches too short to tie all of it up. :\ (Any advice for that BTW?)

    That out of the way, shaving can get a bit… tricky. More than once I’ve ended up with shave soap in my hair, while fighting to keep it out of my face.

  17. Just got my first set of Hair Ties for Guys in the mail, so I can now avoid most of these problems. FUCK YEAH THEY’RE SO AWESOME.
    I’ve got nothing but love for you guys.

  18. The Windows Up one totally got me ahahaha I remember the struggle when I was getting the driving licence and I was basically driving blind because I was afraid of leaving the steering wheel to use the windows button and rise ’em up ahahaha

  19. Caught under the guitar strap. Fortunately, that’s an easy recovery.

    1. Some straps are worse than others. THe leather ones see to be worse for that than fabric in my experiance

  20. When you’re just chilling in your favorite recliner with your hair down and head back then someone either texts you or calls you and your instant reaction is to jerk your head down towards the phone and the hair that’s behind your back almost gets torn off.

  21. Pediatrics nurse. Doctor went around asking all the guys if they were me, while I was sitting facing the computer. I turn around and say “I’m Matt,” and receive an “oh, I saw the hair and just assumed…” Same day a patient asks me why I have “girl hair.”

    1. It happened to the best of us. Was the patient a child by chance? I’ve got that question a lot for the little girls in my family.

  22. My father-in-law is a longhair, he has been since I meet him, I have always had mullets, about 2 years ago I started to grow the rest out, he never bothered me before, but once it started getting long on the front and sides he started having a cow, bugging me daily to cut it, but I didn’t, I have about 6 months until the front is where I want it to be, anyway I never thought Id be harassed by a longhair.

  23. I have a cattle ranch..an getting your stuck in the barb wire fence,can be a big problem,when the bulls are on the run.

  24. My almost 7-year-old-son has hair well below his butt cheeks. We have learned quite a few lessons on do’s and don’ts with long hair, which for some strange reason don’t apply to women with long hair….
    Let’s see,
    He has had his hair tangled in personal fans at least a handful of times. He has had his hair stuck to buttons on MY shirts. He has been stuck with his head pulled back in his carseat because he sat on his hair and couldn’t unbuckle himself. He has gotten gum/food stuck in his hair, i am almost positive he has actually eaten his hair during many of these times. The one that has remained consistent since about the age of two, is whenever we are out playing at a park or anywhere that a child can get filfthy, he always leaves the place with literal black streaks all across his cheeks from constantly wiping his hair out of his face with his little grubby hands.

    Oh and on a side note:
    You don’t begin to understand what hair problems are, until you are trying to keep hair out of a butt-crack(which is notorious for gravitating there) while your child is going #2. And yes, we have learned the hard way….

  25. REcently (the last 4 years or so) I have had to tie my hair back to be 100% sure it doen’t get caught on my guitar strings when im playing. I wear my guitar pretty high up similar to Tom morello (RATM), becasue I just cant play it if i wear it low like billy joe (greenday) or Slash.

    When my hair was sholder length (between 1990’s up until 5 years ago this waas not an issue) but since I decided to only wash my hair with conditioner and throw away the shampoo (my hair gets really dry from shampoo and gets split ends) my terminal length has increased several inches and my hair is currently touching bottom of my rib cage/elbows when i straighten it. Most of the time its not an issue, but this extra length has ment that there are a couple of extra considerations if I am playing that challenging solo or riff.

    1. Author

      Dude Marc, great comment man! We’ve been hearing more about the co-wash you’re talking about (conditioner only), I’m guess you have curly or wavy hair.

      Thanks for writing in, another original problem we haven’t heard yet!

  26. When you’re doing some push ups without any hair ties and all freaking hair comes foward like hell yeah they are into that too.

  27. Dude, that yoga one is all too real to me! In my class, I put my hair up, then the teacher says to lay on your back and, as seen earlier, you cannot lay comfortably on the lowball! So I take it down. Then she says to stand up and do some wack bent over pose where my hair graciously falls in my face and in my mouth. So I put it up. Then the cycle starts all over again:/

    1. It’s never ending struggle at yoga. You got to go with the headband.

  28. I Haven’t seen this mentioned yet, but one of the biggest problems I’ve had, being a guy with long hair is….

    Fire, in all it’s forms… from campfires, and hey, most camping equipment(lanterns, stoves etc) involve some kind of flame, right down to your basics like candles and lighters. Living a mountain lifestyle and enjoying the outdoors with a flowing mane, I’ve experienced panic and the unmistakable smell of incinerating hair, on more occasions than I can count. Luckily I’ve never lost much more than a split-end trim might take, but I have seen how fast hair can go up when exposed to flame.
    I once reached over to give my buddy a light while we were coming down the hill from Julian at night and he was driving. It’s amazing that he didn’t go off the mountain while I was pounding him on the head to put out the flames.

    While rocking the locks, a guy has to be extra careful with fire.

    1. Author

      HAHA! Davee this is excellent material and you are right-on. I have noticed this problem many times since this post was published. Gotta love that mountain lifestyle, but fire is indeed a hazard! I hope your buddy appreciates you pounding him on the head and saving him from incineration.

      You know, if you ever wanted to expand on this and write a full blog post it’s be a great fit here. Hit us on email if so, we can talk further about it.

      There’s also this: https://blog.thelonghairs.us/long-hair-fire/

  29. Hehe. you guys are great!
    Thanks for the cool hair tie product.

  30. Here’s my longhair story…a nightmare avoided…barely!:

    It was the summer of 1966. Me and a few of my friends were at a bar called ‘Club 96’ just down the road from Appleton, Wi. Club 96 was a pretty small place. No live bands. Just LOUD music, lots of smoke, drunks and fights.

    None of us were 18 years old. Depending on who was checking ID’s on any particular night, we would either get in, or told to take a hike. The same guy would always let us in. One of my friends’ brother was a good friend of his. Plus, he didn’t really give a crap.

    At the back of the bar was a go-go cage. On this particular night, a black girl from Milwaukee, WI was inside the cage shaking her booty off (When me and a friend of mine gave her a ride back to her hotel room after the bar closed, I walked her up to her room. I could see the ‘track marks’ all over her arms. I decided to just bye and leave. But that’s another story. Back to Club 96).

    We were sitting at the back of the bar getting completely plastered. The go-go cage was right behind us. Sitting a couple of rows in front of us was a girl with the most beautiful long blonde hair I had ever seen. We were all eyeing her. Then it turned into who was going to go ask her for a dance. Even drunk, no one had the courage…except me!

    I was the brave one. I would show them how cool I was. I put my beer down, straightened myself up a bit, then walked to where I stood just behind her and over her right shoulder. In my best Fonzie voice, I said: “Ayyyyyy, Excuse me, would you like to dance?” (ok, I didn’t actually say “Ayyyyyyy.”)

    The girl slowly turned her head toward me. If looks could kill, I would have been dead before I hit the ground. She sat upright and looked like she was going to launch herself at me. It was then that the horror of it all became clear: She was a He! I could heard my friends gasp. I stood there. I had no idea what to do. I remember some guys sitting in front of ‘him’ turn around, smiling and shaking their head.

    To this day, I have no idea why I said this. I have a wild and wacky sense of humor. Always have. I finally managed to say: “Oh. That’s okay. Would you still like to dance with me?” The guys sitting in front of him lost it. They were roaring with laughter. Luckily, ‘he’ had a good sense of humor, because then he started laughing. Pretty soon, more people were laughing. Before I went back to my friends, I told him he had everyone fooled, because he had the most beautiful hair we had ever seen.

    I was so relieved because I actually made it out of Club 96 that night, alive!

    Kirk 🙂

    1. Author

      CLUB 96! In ’66!

      Glad you made it out alive there Kirk, you’re busting guts over here.

      You’re a great writer man, you should do a guest post for The Longhairs!

      Thanks for the great story.

  31. Sitting around with a few “friends” on one of those metal grill like chairs on an outside patio at a restaurant. I guess the wind was enough to entwine my long hair through the grill work on the back of the chair and when I went to get up – well, you can guess. My hair was so tangled in the back of the chair and I was soooo embarrassed because I was the only really long hair there. Then one of the guys I was with says,”Dude, I bet you wish that was a barber’s chair!” Really! My face was so red as I stood there untangling the long strands so I could escape.

  32. I get the window one, too. When you’re a passenger in someone’s car and the shorthairs want the windows wide open knowing that it is going to destroy your extra-long locks. I swear some of them do it on purpose even when there is no need for an open window just to gawk at the discomfort of my long hair getting blown to bits and tangled up in my own long locks.
    Fortunately, some dudes are respectful of long hair and ask first. I don’t really like my hair in ponytails or tied in any way and I don’t look good in a hat. My hair has to flow! 🙂

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