The Definitive Longhair Problems for Men

In Advocate by El Rubio168 Comments

Unique Problems For Men With Long Hair – An Illustrated Edition

Some you’ll see for the first time, others you’ll be intimately familiar with. We’re proud to present to you this illustrated edition of long hair problems for guys.

 

Long Hair Problem #1: Your Last Option is a Pink Scrunchie

You’ve got a sales meeting in 30 minutes and your navigation calls for a 27-minute drive. This is a “hair tied up” occasion, but out of the 50-pack of boring regular black hair ties you bought last week, there are approximately ZERO left. Rummaging desperately through your girlfriend’s drawers, you find a single, sickening option available to you: a hot pink scrunchie.

 

Long Hair Problem #2: Caught In Your Sunglasses

Who doesn’t love a steaming hot cup of joe in the morning to getcha goin? You would have enjoyed it more, except that you just ripped several important hairs out of your scalp attempting to remove your sunglasses.

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Long Hair Problem #3: Not Yoga Chill

Congratulations. You just breathed, stretched, accepted, felt, humbled, expressed gratitude and showed appreciation to your body, mind and spirit. You feel amazing...you’ve earned, Svasana, the pose of rest. Except you can’t rest for shit because your hair is tied in a lowball and you can’t put your head down squarely on the yoga mat, even though all the chicks in class seem to be managing just fine. Same problem on a bench press.

 

Long Hair Problem #4: Heavy Surf

Things have been going great since the zipper incident. You’ve caught eight waves and you’re paddling back out, but after the last duck dive you came up with a heavy soaking wet mop blanketing your face, just in time to obscure from vision the sleeper wave that slammed, knocked you off your board and nearly lost the GoPro.

 

Long Hair Problem #5: Cycling With Obscured Vision

The slightest glance at mach speed can be catastrophic, looking back to find yourself riding into oncoming traffic with hair pasted to your face.

 

Long Hair Problem #6: The Oil Change

We’re men, we change our own oil. Or at least find ourselves under a vehicle occasionally, which is great until you realize your hair is floating in a stagnant pool of contaminated motor oil.

 

Long Hair Problem #7: Preparing and Consuming Meals

Whether it’s actually eating, or cooking, preparing, serving, or otherwise dealing with food, somehow your hair inevitably ends up in the secret sauce.

Solutions

For these and other longhair problems, with Quick Tips.

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Long Hair Problem #8: Actually Getting Catcalled

You finally got a date with that chick from the women’s hair care aisle. You’re laughing it up and chattin like old friends, and things couldn’t be better until the son of bitch punk waiter comes up from behind and flirtatiously opens a dialogue with:

“Helllloo ladies…oh…”

 

Long Hair Problem #9: Category 5 Tropical Hair Storm

You’ve got tickets to the big game, but you have to ride with a guy you kind of just met. It’s cool, until you’re forced to ask him, over the pre-game radio show, “dude, do you mind if we ride with the windows up?”

 

Long Hair Problem #10: Dipping Your Hair In Your Beer

Your fantasy league is DOMINATING. But your commissioner is proposing unconscionable rule changes, forcing you to fund a political attack campaign. The results were startling, but in a roundabout way this caused you to unwittingly dunk your hair into a perfectly crisp and refreshing beer.

Don’t worry, it’ll still getcha drunk.

 

There ya have it boys. Longhair problems for men. Finally we can understand what the gals have been going through.

Tell us your worst long hair problem in the comments.

You don't need to be a hair expert, but there are a few things every guy growing his hair needs to know.

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Comments

  1. Motorcycles. Just in general, but getting your hair caught in the chain while doing basic maintenance, trying to detangle it after a ride (STILL can’t braid it properly), “Who’s this chick that is screwing up the…….IT’S DANIEL!!! ARRRRGH!!!” Comment from the track day instructor, getting it caught in the tire while changing it at a friends garage, just a gamut of fun.

  2. Trying to sleep with it.
    It gets trapped under my shoulders, so I turn over and then it gets wrapped around my back. So I scrunch it all up under my neck and it sweats like hell. So then I tie it into a ponytail, but it irritates the back of my head when I lie on it. So I tie it up right on top of my head but can’t get at all the strands, so the loose ones get in my face and mouth.
    And then I look at the clock and it’s 7am and I have to get up!

  3. The hair always follows the lit cigarette, whichever way I turn. Specifically when I’m not paying attention

  4. when youre trying to light a cigarette or a joint and your hair gets in the way and you accidentally light a bit of it

  5. In bed with a beautiful lady and as positions change someone always has a piece of hair in their mouth. It could be yours, it could be hers, worse yet, it could be both. You would put it up, but she likes to play with it in bed.

  6. Dead long hair gets everywhere. Especially after a shower. You get a little itch down there and find out you have a hair or two between the ‘ol grand canyon and wrapped around the leaning tower of Pisa.

  7. After morning hair wash, you have wet hairs and you go in office with damp hairs. After reaching office you realises you have fogtton to bring hairtie and you need to tie your hairs. You have to ask your female collegues for hair tie….

  8. Honestly just wearing a helmet due to riding a motorcycle. My hair is curly and thick, if I put it in a lowball the helmet rests uncomfortably on it and if I leave it down it will create a texture where it’s flat and smooth where the helmet was and then poofy and awkward where it wasn’t.

    1. Author

      Yes man all too familiar with this (sans the curly hair). What I have found to work great is using a headwrap, which holds all the hair down under my helmet, then doing a side braid with the long stuff. If your hair isn’t long enough to braid yet, you can still try a menstail. I’ll do a video this winter next time I’m on the slopes! Hope this helps amigo.

  9. When you’re working on a car and you have your hair up and it starts to fall out and go everywhere but you can’t do anything about it because your hands are filthy from working on the car. Awful.

    On a side note. I can’t believe I just discovered you guys a few months ago. I started growing my hair out in 2012, cut and donated it in 2016, and have since grown it back out. Thanks for doing what you do!

      1. Once signed my hair while starting a fire lost my hair tie so that was back when it was almost to my waist. I’m back to shoulder length from practically bald in little under a year though.

  10. How about those one or two hairs that just refuse to stay in your ponytail or highball, this is especially known by those, like me, that like to keep the sides and neck shorter then the top!

  11. I knew my hair was past the awkward stage when I was in line with my wife and kids at a famous Massachusetts ice cream joint and this guy said excuse me miss when trying to grab napkins. Going on year four right now and loving it. My wife cut her hair into a pixie with shaved sides when I started growing my hair. She braids my hair every night before bed. I wake up with zero knots to untangle. Great tip if you have someone willing to braid it every night.

  12. Ever since Avengers Endgame came out, tons of people have been comparing me to “Fat Thor”, so I guess I’ll have to lose the gut now…

  13. When your with a chick in bed and there’s double the hair to deal with

  14. Those one or two hairs that you know damn well are caught in the corner of your mouth, you scrape and brush your hand at them, but they hang in there, menacing you until you finally start blowing and slapping your cheek like you’ve walked into a spider web or something! (Not an attractive look under any circumstance)

    1. Author

      SZABO, I know this one! Thanks for the comment amigo, SZAPOW!

      1. As a man with very curly hair, I just always have my hair tied back or in a high ball so aside from the bench press, I don’t have have most of these issues. If only someone would make some tips on dealing with the curls.

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